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Joke of the Day

DeletedUser

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded got up in the old ranchers face and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this * badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR * BADGE!"
 

DeletedUser3361

Just see at the mirror there some one teasing you..

have you seen..
 

DeletedUser

So a guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a scotch on the rocks. He knocks it back and looks around. The guy sitting next to him is a grizzled old fellow, with a tricorn cap, a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook for a hand.

So the guy taps the fellow on the shoulder and says, "I gotta ask, are you a pirate?"

"Aye," says the fellow. "Forty years of my life gone to the briny blue sea."

Another round comes, and is knocked back.

"Really?" says the man, "Then I gotta ask. How on earth did you get the peg leg? I mean, really, I thought those were just in stories."

"You buying?" says the pirate.

"Sure, why not. What's your poison?" says the guy.

"Whiskey."

So the guy orders up another round and they both drink.

"Okay, mate, here's the deal on the leg. I can't afford one of them nice prostetic things, so this gets me about. Occured about twenty years ago now, I was on a boat bound for Manilla when the ship went down in a storm and I was left adrift. Low and behold, just before I was plucked from the water by a fishing vessel, a big ol' whitetip came along and bit my leg clean off at the knee. Mighty painful day, I'll tell you."

The guy nods, "I'll buy you a second round if you tell me about the hook."

"Deal"

Another round comes and goes.

"I like you boy, you're mighty fine to an old salt, just for some simple tales. Well, here's the deal. I tried my hand at honest work after the shark incident. The fisherman, well he gave me a job for a while after I'd healed up a bit, and I worked the long lines. One day the line snapped and ripped back and dragged me into the winch. Lost the hand in the gears before anyone could stop it. Got the hook as a cheap way to give me something to work with. Seemed appropriate. Made me miss my pirating though."

The guy nods, enthralled by the tale. "One more, for good luck? Another round, and one last story? How about that patch?"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really don't like to talk about the patch. Ya' see it's embarrassing."

"Come on," the guy says, "It can't be that bad. Tell you what, last story and I'll buy you the whole bottle to go."

"Well, one doesn't turn down a good offer, alright."

The bottle is purchased and the pirate says, "A seagull pooped in me eye."

"Wait, what? That's it?" says the guy, "A seagull pooped in your eye and you lost it? How does that even happen?"

The pirate looks at him sheepishly, "T'was the first day I had me hook." With that he gathers up the bottle, tips his hat, and stumps out the door, leaving the guy gaping like a newly landed fish.
 

DeletedUser

My Cuz was in the Arkansas Air Guard, told me about the time he was in a helicopter and the blades come loose and flew off. I asked him "what happened ? you look pretty good shape for a helicopter crash victim!" He said "he asked the Warrant officer what do we do now? " The warrant officer said "well nothing..but we were still on the ground!"

About 6 months latter he was in a real helicopter hit the side of the mountain crash....as he survived this too,I had went and seen him. I asked him "what happened this time?" HE said "well were flying around real early one cold cold morning and I started to get a good chill,so I reached up and flipped that big over head fan off......." Of course he is discharged now!!!!
 

DeletedUser

Elephant Stuff!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill??? (look here comes the elephants over the hill)
What did he say when he seen them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? (nothing he did not recognize them!)
How do you hide elephants that climb up in the forest of cherry trees? (paint the toenails red)
When do the elephants jump down out of the cherry trees? (between 6am -7am)
Why are Pigmies so short?(they went into the forest of cherry Trees between 6am-7am)
And finally what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino.......................................('ell-if-I-no)
 

DeletedUser

I have a dirty joke for you.

But I dropped it in the mud.

Now it's too dirty to read.
 

DeletedUser

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.



The Way God Works

I’d asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 

DeletedUser

The guy said to the girl do you like pizza?
And the girl said yes, why?
The guy said cause i wanna pizza that butt.
 

DeletedUser

You find yourself in a room. Then you see people around you. But they are screaming and panicking. What's wrong?
So you look around...nobody weird as you can see...no holes or damage anywhere...except...as you are inspecting one of the walls however, you see something hideous. It is vile...disgusting...foul...added up, times 200, and that will still be an understatement.
"WHOA. What is that THING???"
Haven't you guessed by now? No, the wall is not broken. Is there a person? Technically. Well, c'mon, it's not that hard to answer.
what's taking you so long? There are only two possible answers.
a) My friend
b) You are looking in a mirror

and seeing that I've trapped my friend in a mirror room already, you should know the answer.

Have a nice day!
 

DeletedUser13785

I was driving and noticed flashing lights behind me. I pulled over and an officer walked up to my window. I asked the officer if I had done something wrong and he replied that I appeared to have swerved a little. Looking closer at me he asked if I had been drinking. I said no, why? He said my eyes looked a little glazed. I looked up at the officer and asked him if he had been eating donuts? Your eyes look a little glazed as well.
 

DeletedUser16736

joke

Why do farts stink?

So deaf people can enjoy them too...

- - - Updated - - -

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste...
 
my favorite comeback to someone who's really pushing their point of view….

I say " hey you've got a really good point there !!! "

give a little pause and add " but i think a hat could cover it for ya…"
 

DeletedUser

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum how to do it.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
 

DeletedUser23098

No joke:

My wife is my Better Half

You
Better believe it

She is always telling me I
Better do this and I Better do that!!
 
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