Richard Rambone
New Member
Always remember, A day without sunshine, is like.... Night.
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Dominator - X
Well-Known Member
... and a night without moonshine is so... Sobering.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I named my dog 5-Miles so now I tell people I walk 5-Miles everyday
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love, but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it. It’s all about balance.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
SomePlayer5000
Active Member
yo mama part 2 mod dont ban
yo mama not very bright she keeps spending diamonds on premium buildings whenever she gets the chance.
yo mama not looking very good today her units refused to be under her command and wouldnt attack.
yo mama so large she can walk about 1 sector per feet in every province.
yo mama not very bright she keeps spending diamonds on premium buildings whenever she gets the chance.
yo mama not looking very good today her units refused to be under her command and wouldnt attack.
yo mama so large she can walk about 1 sector per feet in every province.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun."
Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme
My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again. It's all fun and games until someone loses an i
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun."
Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme
Praetorius
Well-Known Member
What is the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.
6:30, hands down.
SomePlayer5000
Active Member
yo mama part 3(how am i still doing this)
i not very bright when it comes to this i give up.
i not very bright when it comes to this i give up.
KingJMobile
Active Member
If God were a hypotenuse, how would he feel if we sined his angels to get his opposites?
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Heres a few jokes in latin...see if any of you intellectuals think they are funny
What did a young girl say when she had a really smart plan to win the snakes and ladder game she was playing with her friends? Alea iacta est.
What did the realtor say when a family wanted to buy the house but wasn't ready to sign the lease? Acta non verba.
What did the bold font style say to the italics font style when they were playing chess? Audentes fortuna iuvat.
What did a Roman girl named Nature's mother say to her husband about her daughter's plants? I'm really worried about her plants but she doesn't care at all. Natura non contristatur.
What did the Roman man say when the lights of his house went out and he started having dark thoughts? In absentia lucis, tenebrae vincunt.
What did the Roman man who believed in the longevity of art say when he saw a painting that was really tall? Ars longa, vita brevis.
What did a young girl say when she had a really smart plan to win the snakes and ladder game she was playing with her friends? Alea iacta est.
What did the realtor say when a family wanted to buy the house but wasn't ready to sign the lease? Acta non verba.
What did the bold font style say to the italics font style when they were playing chess? Audentes fortuna iuvat.
What did a Roman girl named Nature's mother say to her husband about her daughter's plants? I'm really worried about her plants but she doesn't care at all. Natura non contristatur.
What did the Roman man say when the lights of his house went out and he started having dark thoughts? In absentia lucis, tenebrae vincunt.
What did the Roman man who believed in the longevity of art say when he saw a painting that was really tall? Ars longa, vita brevis.
SomePlayer5000
Active Member
yo mama(non-foe edition)
yo mama not looking very good not even space age jupiter healthcare can fix her up.
yo mama not looking very good not even space age jupiter healthcare can fix her up.
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Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
My latin jokes bombed
... back to regular jokes!
... back to regular jokes!- I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
- Why was Cinderella dropped from the soccer team? She kept running away from the ball.
- I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. Too much sax and violins.
- How does a computer get drunk? It takes screen shots.
- Dogs can't see your bones. But CAT scan.
- What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
- My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
- Why are art collectors such big fans of gasoline? Because it makes their Van Gogh.
- Peter Pan is a terrible boxer. Whenever he throws a punch, it Neverlands.
- What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO.
- My dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "be positive," but it's just so hard without him.
- If you commit a first degree murder in Canada, is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
- What do you call a noodle that doesn't drink? Soba.
- A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly. And as you can see, they were Wright.
- I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she just called to cancel. She said I won't be able to make it.
- You do realize that vampires aren't real. Unless you Count Dracula.
- What do you call a bundle of hay in a church? Christian Bale.
- I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there's a salad dressing.
- My wife gave me an ultimatum: Her or my addiction to sweets. The decision was a piece of cake.
- If prisoners could take their own mugshots… they'd be called cellfies.
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Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Taking a stab at funny quotes from famous people
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
― Alfred Hitchcock
“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”
― Roald Dahl
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres
“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”
― Yogi Berra
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
― Alfred Hitchcock
“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”
― Roald Dahl
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
How bout some quotes from george carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
A few more carlin quotes
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
“People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.”
“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Micellanous quotes from celebrities
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
Mitch Hedberg
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Pierce
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
Mitch Hedberg
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
Ambrose Pierce
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Emo Philips
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
Wednesday Winter
Active Member
Bombing for peace is like screwing for virginity
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
More quotes from famous people
“Can we got on with this? I’ve got to do AIDS and Alzheimer’s and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal. Plus, Gwyneth’s making drumsticks.”
Chris Martin
“They misunderestimated me.”
George Bush
“I’ll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.”
Vladimir Putin
“I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada.”
Britney Spears
“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.”
Kanye West
“Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not 20.”
Barack Obama
“I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.”
Ellen Degeneres
“Can we got on with this? I’ve got to do AIDS and Alzheimer’s and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal. Plus, Gwyneth’s making drumsticks.”
Chris Martin
“They misunderestimated me.”
George Bush
“I’ll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really.”
Vladimir Putin
“I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada.”
Britney Spears
“I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.”
Kanye West
“Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not 20.”
Barack Obama
“I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.”
Ellen Degeneres
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Some quotes from standup comedien henny youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree."
"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."
"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake.""
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree."
"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."
"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake.""