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Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
More quotes... groucho marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Quotes by wc fields
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Quotes from standup comedian steven wright
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Some quotes from phyllis diller
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
"We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought."
"My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking."
"Now I'm gonna tell you the truth about what I am wearing. I use to work as a lampshade in Las Vegas."
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush."
"This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball."
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
"I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'"
"We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought."
"My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking."
"Now I'm gonna tell you the truth about what I am wearing. I use to work as a lampshade in Las Vegas."
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush."
"This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball."
Praetorius
Well-Known Member
Xenosaur
Well-Known Member
I was at a bar yesterday and a sign above the cash register said, FREE Wi-Fi.
So of course, I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password.
He said, surprisingly….. you have to buy a drink first.
Really, Wow. Ok I guess - it’s a bar after all. Yeah Ok, I guess I’ll have a beer, then. How much is that?
He says that's $8.50. So I grumbled, paid the $8.50 and a tip…then asked him again: “OK, I bought a drink, now what's the Wi-Fi password ? “
He says, "youhavetobuyadrinkfirst” all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.
So of course, I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password.
He said, surprisingly….. you have to buy a drink first.
Really, Wow. Ok I guess - it’s a bar after all. Yeah Ok, I guess I’ll have a beer, then. How much is that?
He says that's $8.50. So I grumbled, paid the $8.50 and a tip…then asked him again: “OK, I bought a drink, now what's the Wi-Fi password ? “
He says, "youhavetobuyadrinkfirst” all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
More miscellanous quotes
“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.”
—President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
—Jack Handey
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
—Will Ferrell
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
—Phyllis Diller
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
—Les Dawson
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Mo miscellanous quotes
- “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown
- “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
- “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
- “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown
- “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown
- “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown
- “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
- “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
- “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey
- “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown
- “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
- “You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.” – Irish Saying
- “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.” – Catherine Pulsifer
- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
- “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler
- “You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years experience.” – Unknown
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Rodney dangerfield quotes
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
How To Give a Cat a Bath Joke
Instructions on how to wash your toilet
1. Put both lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the here and the front door.
7. Standing behind as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
KingJMobile
Active Member
A friend of mine wanted to lose weight. I told him to go to outer space.
Super Catanian
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
Snowballs.
The North Wind
Active Member
What do you call a deer that does karate
A Tai-Kwan-Doe
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
George carlin stuff
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."
"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
"Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."
"I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Celebrity quotes
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
“The downside of my celebrity is that I cannot go anywhere in the world without being recognized. It is not enough for me to wear dark sunglasses and a wig. The wheelchair gives me away.”
― Stephen Hawking
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
—Steven Wright
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
—Zach Galifianakis
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
More steven wright stuff
“7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” – Steven Wright
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.” – Steven Wright
“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” – Steven Wright
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.” – Steven Wright
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.” – Steven Wright
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” – Steven Wright
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” – Steven Wright
“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” – Steven Wright
“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.” – Steven Wright
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” – Steven Wright
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.” – Steven Wright
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.” – Steven Wright
“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” – Steven Wright
“7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.” – Steven Wright
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.” – Steven Wright
“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” – Steven Wright
“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.” – Steven Wright
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.” – Steven Wright
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” – Steven Wright
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.” – Steven Wright
“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” – Steven Wright
“Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.” – Steven Wright
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” – Steven Wright
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.” – Steven Wright
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.” – Steven Wright
“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?” – Steven Wright
The Lady Redneck
Well-Known Member
My Joke of the day is no Joke LOL. About 10 minutes ago I got a pop up to let me know GBG was about to open. OK I know the Lag at the start of a new season can be frustrating. But 10 hours !!!!!!!! C'mon INNO Even with your record THAT is a Joke.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Mo celeb funny quotes
1. “Life is like a box of chocolates. Unless you’re allergic to chocolate, then it’s like a box of EpiPens.” – Tom Hanks
2. “Remember, life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans… and tweeting about it.” – John Lennon
3. “Life is like a game of chess. But who the heck knows how to play chess?” – Kanye West
4. “In life, don’t just reach for the stars. Steal their spotlight.” – Madonna
5. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my… wait, I only have a worst.” – Marilyn Monroe
6. “In the great banquet of life, some of us are steak, some are potatoes. And then there are those who are the salad bar.” – Gordon Ramsay
7. “Life is like a concert. Sometimes you just gotta stage dive and trust that people won’t drop you.” – Ozzy Osbourne
8. “In life, never trust anyone who doesn’t laugh at your jokes.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Life is like a rerun of ‘Friends’ – sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s heartwarming, but after a while, you realize you’ve seen this episode before.” – Jennifer Aniston
10. “Life’s a climb, but the view is great… unless you’re afraid of heights.” – Miley Cyrus
11. “Life is like a roller coaster. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and sometimes you might throw up.” – Chris Rock
12. “Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Oprah Winfrey
1. “Life is like a box of chocolates. Unless you’re allergic to chocolate, then it’s like a box of EpiPens.” – Tom Hanks
2. “Remember, life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans… and tweeting about it.” – John Lennon
3. “Life is like a game of chess. But who the heck knows how to play chess?” – Kanye West
4. “In life, don’t just reach for the stars. Steal their spotlight.” – Madonna
5. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my… wait, I only have a worst.” – Marilyn Monroe
6. “In the great banquet of life, some of us are steak, some are potatoes. And then there are those who are the salad bar.” – Gordon Ramsay
7. “Life is like a concert. Sometimes you just gotta stage dive and trust that people won’t drop you.” – Ozzy Osbourne
8. “In life, never trust anyone who doesn’t laugh at your jokes.” – Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Life is like a rerun of ‘Friends’ – sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s heartwarming, but after a while, you realize you’ve seen this episode before.” – Jennifer Aniston
10. “Life’s a climb, but the view is great… unless you’re afraid of heights.” – Miley Cyrus
11. “Life is like a roller coaster. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and sometimes you might throw up.” – Chris Rock
12. “Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Oprah Winfrey
Johnny B. Goode
Well-Known Member
You really should let people know that these are not actual quotes from these people. Some people aren't aware enough to know that John Lennon died a quarter of a century before Twitter was started.