Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Game Room' started by apebble, May 28, 2012.

  1. Airlyn

    Airlyn Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2017
    During my 20th year school reunion I got together with a couple of friends. As we rode around getting caught up on current events with each other I realized times had really changed....
    First friend, how do you like my diamond ring? My husband bought it for me for our 5th wedding anniversary.
    I reply, "That's nice."
    Second friend, How do you like my mink coat? My husband bought it for me for our tenth anniversary.
    My reply, "That's nice.
    Third friend, How do you like my Jag? My husband bought it for me for our 15th anniversary.
    I calmly reply, "Thats nice."
    The dreaded question comes...
    What did your husband do for you?
    He sent me to finishing school.
    Well, why did he send you to finishing school???
    So I could learn to say, "That's nice, instead of kiss my ass bitch."
     
    Bobby McGee31353 and Graviton like this.
  2. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    The past, the present and the future all walked into a bar.

    It was tense.
     
    Stephen Longshanks likes this.
  3. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    I've decided to sell the vacuum. It's just collecting dust.
     
    Stephen Longshanks likes this.
  4. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    If the opposite of pro is con, does that mean the opposite of progress is Congress?
     
  5. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    I was banned from the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun while boarding the plane.
     
  6. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam.”
     
  7. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    Be careful when you blindly follow the masses, sometimes the 'm' is silent.
     
  8. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    What ended in 2000?

    1999
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2018
  9. sloppyjoeslayer

    sloppyjoeslayer Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2016
    Just a recommendation but for jokes like that might be better to put the answer in a spoiler.
     
  10. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
     
    Bobby McGee31353 likes this.
  11. Agent327

    Agent327 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2018
    Didn't help. It didn't get any better.
     
  12. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a shitzu.
     
  13. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign for Tree Fellers. Pat turned to Murphy and said... "If only Seamus were here, we could have gotten the job!"
     
  14. commanderstinkfoot

    commanderstinkfoot Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2018
    Two men walked into a bar.
    The third guy ducked under it.
     
  15. Princess Freckles

    Princess Freckles New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2018
    That was so great and sooo appropriate for me!
     
  16. purps99

    purps99 Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2016
    A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "What do you have to eat here?" the bar tender replied " We have various types of toasties". So the rabbit says "Can I have a pint and a cheese and ham toasty". The rabbit finishes his pint and toasty and walks out the bar.

    The next day the same thing happens, this time the rabbit has a pint and a baked bean toasty.

    On the third day the rabbit has a pint and a cheese and pickle toasty. He then goes to walk out but falls down dead on the floor with all 4 paws sticking in the air.

    One customer says " what's wrong with him?" the bar tender replies "Looks like a bad case of mix-a-my-toasties". (Myxomatosis).
     
  17. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    I childproofed my house, but the kids still get in.
     
  18. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    Why do they call it 'common sense' when it's anything but common?
     
  19. Ozyman Tremble Weaklings

    Ozyman Tremble Weaklings Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2017
    Just learned I can get my phone to tell me dad jokes, and this is how it started off:

    What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

    One is heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2018
  20. Praetorius

    Praetorius Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2016
    I went to the bookstore and asked the salesman, 'Where's the self-help section?' He said if he told me, it would defeat the purpose.
     
    Stephen Longshanks likes this.

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