Applicant Challenge:
In order for me to consider you for a date or a relationship, I ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define yourself as a person and made you worthy of my time and possibly my love?
My answer and bio:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling sheer rock-face mountain walls and crushing ice between my fingernails.
I remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention and cold repulsion. I translate ethnic slurs into English for Cuban refugees that need help, and I write award-winning operas and choreograph modern ballet. I am consulted on many symphonic and modern contemporary music compositions, but never care to be given accolades or credits.
I manage time to the utmost efficiently, down to the picosecond.
Occasionally for fun, I tread water, usually about three straight days without tiring.
Previously, and not to be counted against me, I have been known to woo men with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing for hours. I can pilot bicycles for 5 miles up severe 46.239 degree inclines with unflagging speed. I cook thirty-minute chocolate brownies from scratch (with nuts) in a Guinness world record speed of 6.73 minutes, and that includes gathering the native ingredients from 3 world-wide locations, including chocolate from Africa's Ivory Coast.
I am an expert in stucco design, a veteran in modern impressionistic sculpture, and most assuredly and currently, an outlaw in Peru, Guatemala and Kazakhstan (that I know of...)
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of 100 million ferocious and ravenous army ants that hadn't eaten any food for 6 months. The head ant told me that after we negotiated a truce.
In addition to trombone, I play bluegrass cello, maracas, triangle, piano and Theremin. I was even scouted by the Toronto Blue Jays and in the process, was the subject of numerous TV documentaries and 2 special feature movies.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges on my estate. You might have seen me at the 1 World Trade Center construction site. I was there to extricate my friends from their thorny engineering/architectural conundrums. They always seem to encounter issues from their lack of my direct project oversight.
I enjoy urban hang-gliding. I'm am typically found scaling the exterior walls of the Empire State Building to find the best local altitude in NY City.
On Wednesdays, I switch gears and repair electrical appliances (including toasters) free of charge for the local community. I have been repairing about 350 hard-disk drives each day - for Personal Computers Fixit Day on Thursday; again free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete structural analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I spend a few hours on Wall Street each week to show Quants and Hedge funds arbs how to trade and set up synthentic delta-hedging trades using advanced principles of math and topology homeomorphisms.
Quantum physics comes naturally to me, what can I say?
I am not ashamed to admit it but, critics worldwide swoon over my original line of men's corduroy evening wear with Nehru styling overtones.
I don't perspire.
Although I am a very private citizen, I receive 50,000 pieces of fan mail each day. I have won PowerBall twice (anonymously) and win each year's Superbowl block betting game, always in a clean sweep. Yawn.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling science demonstration, that included topics in advanced physics and chemistry. Showing kids how to build varyingly sized fusion reactors for their homes and neighborhoods. We asked, I took a few extra minutes and sketched out the design for an interstellar craft to exceed the speed of light. It raised a few eyebrows with the parents, but the kids really seem to love it.
Over the last 10 year, I've daintily slugged .800 when I play pickup softball in New York with the street kids.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in 3 International botany competitions.
Children seem to trust me. It's so gratifying.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small marble-sized, moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket, even if they change them daily.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA (which I can't detail any further...). I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair, upside down.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery in Mount Albert, near Toronto.
The laws of physics do not apply to me, unless I want them to.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid before I get them. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami (don't knock it until you try it...)
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but in my haste to single-handedly put out a 45 floor apartment complex fire that had gone to 12 alarms, I forgot to note it into my iPhone for dissemination to the world's masses, hungry for a better existence. I will re-double my efforts to find the time to get that information out to those interested.
I have made an extraordinary 8 course meals using only a Bunsen burner and a 1.5 DC volt toaster oven I retrofitted to be energy efficient from those you buy at Walmart that use 115 AC volts.
I also hate to admit this secret, but .... I breed prizewinning clams by gene splicing key molecules into their genetic DNA. The clams told me they don't mind that I do that.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, 4 cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and a single spelling bee victory at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet in England, I have performed open-heart surgery at the Mayo Clinic, and I have recently even taken a call from Elvis; he needed my help.
The one thing I haven't done yet, is meet you.
I pretty much know my life won't be complete without that.
I await your decision on my application.
