The Lady Redneck
Well-Known Member
Got to feel sorry for Kayne West. He must lead a very narrow life with a mentaly restricted circle of friends.
-
We are looking for you! Always wanted to join our Supporting Team? We are looking for enthusiastic moderators!
Take a look at our recruitement page for more information and how you can apply:
KingJMobile
Active Member
Dad jokes but I use common Bri'ish phrases:
I told my son not to go to outer space. Yet he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.
My wife told me I have no sense of direction in life. I'm still wondering where that came from.
I'm so bad at snooker I think I'm losing my marbles.
I told my son not to go to outer space. Yet he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.
My wife told me I have no sense of direction in life. I'm still wondering where that came from.
I'm so bad at snooker I think I'm losing my marbles.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Some house jokes... * receives lukewarm reception
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it. You need nine lives to pay it off.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
You just can’t trust real estate developers. They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it. You need nine lives to pay it off.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
My realtor sold me a two-story house. One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, “Hey bro, house it going?”
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
You just can’t trust real estate developers. They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements. They’re my best cellars!
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Wal mart jokes anyone?
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
-----
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...
The first old guy says to the second guy,'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
-----
Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.
However, pants will still be optional.After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..
They were the biggest retailer I could think of.
PJS299
Well-Known Member
I love Walmart. I guess a southerner can't dislike it lol.
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Celeb funny quotes
1. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields
2. “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” – Charlie Sheen
3. “I think that the film (Clueless) was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” – Alicia Silverstone
4. “I’m thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, ‘Why stop at one?’ I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.” – Robert Downey Jr
5. “If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” – Marilyn Monroe
1. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” – Brooke Shields
2. “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” – Charlie Sheen
3. “I think that the film (Clueless) was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” – Alicia Silverstone
4. “I’m thinking of buying a monkey. Then I think, ‘Why stop at one?’ I don’t like being limited in that way. Therefore, I’m considering a platoon of monkeys. So that people will look at me and see how mellow and well-adjusted I am compared to these monkeys throwing feces around.” – Robert Downey Jr
5. “If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” – Marilyn Monroe
SomePlayer5000
Active Member
*gets thrown out a window onto the front lawn*
"Actually, i'm a windower. Every day for me is a pain."
[dad disliked that.] (true story lol)
"Actually, i'm a windower. Every day for me is a pain."
[dad disliked that.] (true story lol)
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
Some quotes by the late actor, richard lewis who died february 27 2024.
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." ~ Richard Lewis
"I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror." ~ Richard Lewis
"I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection." ~ Richard Lewis
"I like to read biographies of authors that I love, like Richard Yates. I also like to see what non-fiction authors are out there. My bible is Something Happened. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. But if I don't read a Dostoevsky soon I'm going to kill myself." ~ Richard Lewis
"I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say." ~ Richard Lewis
"My parents were my worst audience." ~ Richard Lewis
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. ~ Richard Lewis
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." ~ Richard Lewis
"I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror." ~ Richard Lewis
"I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection." ~ Richard Lewis
"I like to read biographies of authors that I love, like Richard Yates. I also like to see what non-fiction authors are out there. My bible is Something Happened. It's one of the greatest books I've ever read. But if I don't read a Dostoevsky soon I'm going to kill myself." ~ Richard Lewis
"I love being famous. It validates that I have something to say." ~ Richard Lewis
"My parents were my worst audience." ~ Richard Lewis
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. ~ Richard Lewis
SomePlayer5000
Active Member
"We're just a bunch of people who really like the sport of racing, so I'm not sure why the general populace hates us."
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
―Mindy Kaling
"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
"Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
"A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
―Mindy Kaling
"Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Office
"Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Brown
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
—James Branch Cabell
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
"When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
"Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
"A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
Oswyn the noble
Well-Known Member
“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Detroit, the heart of the country… I grew up on 10 Mile, 2 miles better than 8 Mile.” – Kristen Bell
“The only happy artist is a dead artist because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.” – Sylvester Stallone
“I love to eat an apple after a meal, just to cleanse my teeth – they always look polished afterward.” – Catherine Zeta Jones
“Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’m now convinced that I’m a doctor. I mean, if someone says they have a pain, I’m like, ‘Well, that’s your spleen.'” – Olivia Wilde
So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” – Christina Aguilera
“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.” – Cher
“I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do… He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.” – Justin Bieber
“Detroit, the heart of the country… I grew up on 10 Mile, 2 miles better than 8 Mile.” – Kristen Bell
“The only happy artist is a dead artist because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.” – Sylvester Stallone
“I love to eat an apple after a meal, just to cleanse my teeth – they always look polished afterward.” – Catherine Zeta Jones
“Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I’m now convinced that I’m a doctor. I mean, if someone says they have a pain, I’m like, ‘Well, that’s your spleen.'” – Olivia Wilde
So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” – Christina Aguilera
“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong, and disposable.” – Cher
“I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do… He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that.” – Justin Bieber